Suicide Awareness Month comes and goes, but are we truly talking about it, or are we just reposting information? It’s a difficult topic because of the stigma, but it’s one we can’t afford to ignore.

In 2023, I was officially diagnosed with suicidal ideation. Have you ever heard of it? Probably not, because it’s the quiet, passive state of suicidal thoughts—the desire for things to end without actively planning them. You may have experienced it too, but never said a word to a therapist because the feeling wasn’t intense enough to feel real.

During my six-month sabbatical from work that year, I experienced something I couldn’t ignore. My toxic work environment had triggered my mental state, pushing me to my breaking point. As you know, I live with Bipolar Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but in those six months, we discovered I was also borderline personality.

This is what suicidal ideation looked like for me: I would drive to work and wish a semi-truck would crash into me, thinking, “at least I have insurance, so it would be okay.” I had a 1.3-hour commute, so the odds felt good. The thought that finally pushed me to speak up was when I was looking at a glass wall and wished it would shatter, hoping I would fall. My body would scream “jump,” but my brain would counter with, “that’s illogical; you’re too short and fat, you can’t even jump.” These were the thoughts I was trapped with, and no one could help me—I was alone in my own mind.

I confided in my therapist and behavioral health doctor, and they immediately restricted me from returning to work. I even got out of jury duty because I was not considered stable enough to make decisions. As I worked on medication changes, I reached out to two people for support, only to be dismissed and told to “get over it.” It’s a hard feeling to get over, being told to “get over it” when you are asking for help.

The Fight to Get Out

So, how did I get over the feeling of being utterly alone? I made my crawls to the basement. I turned to music—the melancholic but upbeat sounds of Rosalia, Bad Bunny, and Karol G—and I cycled and did barre from my basement. If you go through my feed, you’ll find the silly videos I made.

The truth is, I was alone in that feeling of despair, fear, shame, and anger. I hated my job, my career, and my boss. I had reached a point of no return. As a human resources professional, I was tasked with upholding corporate rules, but my heart wanted to do the humane thing. I was forced to be strict and cold in a place that cut corners behind closed doors. This internal conflict was the tipping point that landed me in a state of suicidal ideation. It’s how we realized I had Borderline Personality Disorder.

I didn’t care how much money I was making; all I wanted was for the pain to stop. I was on short-term disability for six months, which saved me. After that time, I took another HR job, a leap of faith I knew I would hate again, but I braved it out. Throughout it all, I prioritized cycling. Cycling was my lifeline. I went to every class I could on the weekend and rearranged my work schedule to go on Friday mornings. I cycled out all the feelings I had.

I had tried everything: group therapy, peer-to-peer groups, talk therapy, and DBT therapy, but nothing could get me out of that miserable funk. I kept wondering what to do with my professional career, and then I realized: I love cycling. Let’s stick with that. Let’s become an instructor. Let’s dream big.

You may wonder why I didn’t reach out to you. The truth is, I knew you were too busy with your own life to hear me whine about my intrusive thoughts. And my family? They were there and aware, along with three friends who lived out of state. The thing is, no one was physically there with me except my husband, who had his own stuff to deal with.

I now understand that one suicidal ideation thought can manifest itself into something more dangerous. The reason I was monitored at home was because you never know when it will happen. But at the end of the day, no one could truly save me. I had to fight my way out of that thought process and learn what my true triggers were. It’s about finding the willpower to decipher what works and what thoughts are not real. My journey was my fight, and I am proud of the path I’ve taken.